Life with Baby K

February 20, 2008

A little bit of this and that…

Filed under: family,work — by Jess @ 3:50 pm
Tags: ,

So I have been trying to think of just what to say to my sister, but in the end I just emailed her and basically told her that I miss her and don’t want to waste anymore time with neither of us reaching out to the other. I did mention in the email that so much stuff has happened over the last few months and how much I miss talking to her about life’s events. So we will see where that goes. Hopefully she’ll email me back and we can go to lunch or get together somewhere.

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I am a psychiatric nurses aide on a psychiatric unit. We tend to get a significant amount of older people who are either in the midst of dementia or on the edge of dementia. Last week we had this cute old man who was in his mid 80s I think. Well for whatever reason he asked one of the nurses I work with if she has any children. Now I know that she has dealt with infertility, although I don’t know much about her journey, other than that she had a miscarriage at one point and she and her husband don’t have any children. Well, when this nurse told the man that she didn’t have any kids, he (in all of his dementia glory) started giving her tips on how to conceive a child and than he moved into how to adopt a baby. I was standing at the nurses’ station, right across the hall from this man’s room where this poor nurse was getting an anatomy lesson from this old man. So after listening to this man’s advice (which I would have been so offended by had I not known that this man wasn’t fully there) I went and saved this nurse by telling her she had a phone call. It was funny though because I felt like I was in some secret sisterhood when I went in to rescue her.

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I have been using a fertility monitor for my last four cycles or so. I decided to get this b/c the OPK were driving me crazy since my cycles were all over the place in length and I never got a clear reading about when I was ovulating. My first two months with the monitor was great. I knew when I was ovulating and even though I didn’t get pregnant, it made me feel a little better b/c I knew what was going on with my own body. Well, last cycle it never showed that I ovulated but I still got my period right on time on day 35 which makes me think I just missed it last cycle, since there was a few days I forgot to use it. But this cycle I have done everything right and I am CD 27 today and still no ovulation! Not that it matters really since I have kind of lost faith in having sex in order to have a baby so who care when I ovulate at this point, but I think I want to know so I feel like I have some level of control and knowledge about my situation. Since I had my period last cycle, does that mean I did ovulate last month? Can you have your period without ovulating? It seems like such a basic question but I am not sure about the answer to this question.

Hope everyone is having a good week!

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February 9, 2008

A side effect of infertility

Filed under: family,infertility ripples — by Jess @ 4:03 am
Tags: ,

I fear that infertility is costing me my best friend and sister.

Let me explain. I met my sister when we were in 8th grade. Jenn and I quickly became glued to the hip. By the time we were sophomores in high school, she was spending more time at my house than her own. Jenn’s own home life was filled with all sorts of drama which made it difficult for her to live with her parents. During Christmas vacation of our senior year of high school she officially came to live with my family. She had long referred to my parents as Mom and Dad and my brother and I as her brother and sister. When my mom was pregnant for me, the doctors thought that she was having twins for a while. My parents had decided to name her twins Jessica and Jennifer if they were girls. Of course, it actually turned out that my mom was just large, but my mom says still to this day that it just took 17 years for my twin to find her way home. Jenn is as much my sister as my brother is and as much my parents’ child as my brother and I are. When I went away to college, Jenn continued to live at home with mom and dad. In fact Jenn and I moved into the basement apartment below my parents’ house were we both lived until we “grew up” and moved out on our own.

As long as I have known Jenn there has been one repeating pattern. She does everything faster and easier than me. In high school if we had a paper due, I would start on it a week in advance, stay up late, research, the whole nine yards. She would turn the computer on the night before it was due, stay up all night, turn the damn paper in right alongside of me, and she would inevitably get a better grade than me. This is a repeating pattern in my life. I love my sister to death and would never wish any harm to her, but damn it why does this pattern have to apply to fertility as well.

You see Jenn got pregnant in 2005(while on birth control of course) Nine months later, in June of 2006 she and her fiancé had my beautiful niece Nadia. By this point Jeff and I were engaged and were four months away from our wedding. In October of 2006, two days after my wedding, my sister found out she was pregnant again. In December or 2006 I came off birth control and we started TTC. During this time I was cool with my sister being pregnant, after all it would happen soon enough for me. I babysat Nadia every week, thinking in the back of my head that this was great practice for me since in a few months I would be the pregnant one. Well May of 2007 my second niece Sasha was born. By this point I knew in my heart something wasn’t right with Jeff and I. My cycles were off and I didn’t think it should be so hard, especially since I had seen my sister pop two kids out in 10 months (oh and BTW she has the fastest labors known to mankind. When she was having Sasha, her fiancé walked into the hospital room as the baby was coming out. All the poor man wanted to do was go to the bathroom!)

My mom and I babysit the two babies every Saturday and Sunday. They stay overnight at my moms on Saturday. Sunday morning we take the babies to church (sadly I have to work every other weekend day shift) and then we bring the babies back to my sisters apartment were my BIL is with his mother to watch the kids. I live for these weekends, especially the weekends when I am not working and therefore get to spend more time with the girls. But every Sunday when we have to bring them home, a little bit of me dies too, because I don’t think my sister fully appreciates what she has. She is a good mom, I am not saying that she’s not, but I can’t help but think deep down in my soul that I would be a better mom. Which I am sure makes me the worst sister ever.

My sister and I have kept nothing from each other since we were in middle school. And yet I feel like she and I haven’t had a real conversation in months. Sure we talk at holidays and family dinners and when she drops the babies off at moms, but we haven’t talked since probably before Thanksgiving. I have been trying to figure it out in my head for months now. She knows what Jeff and I have been going through, at least the story up until November or so. She knows that the first SA came back crappy. She knew we were waiting until December when we could officially say that we had been TTC for a year so the insurance company would pay for us to go to the RE. And yet she has said nothing about it. At first I was very angry and hurt by her. Yes I know she has two little babies and that they are a handful. But for crying out loud it’s not like I don’t have a lot on my plate too. And yes I am still hurt. I feel like she ought to pick up the phone and call me or email me, something to reach out to me. But then I started thinking why it was that I didn’t pick up the phone or email her. Chances are she has no idea how hurt, lonely and scared I am. Why do I expect her to read my mind? How do I know that she isn’t sitting in her apartment wondering why I don’t reach out to her? And yet even though I came to this conclusion almost two weeks ago, I still have not called or emailed her. Is it just pride??

No I don’t think so.

I realized today just how jealous of her I am. My sister has the two most beautiful babies and every weekend when I am with them, I ponder stealing them. After all, all my sister and BIL have to do it look at each other and *poof* she is pregnant. I am so jealous of my sister that I think I am afraid if I try to talk to her about life and what’s going on, that envy will seep out of my pores. My sister obviously owes me no apologies that her body and Tim’s sperm work. But I want what she has so badly.

I am scared that if I don’t do something soon, my relationship with my sister will become a causality of infertility. I don’t want her to become my friend who got away. She is my twin. I have no doubt about that. I can’t imagine my life without my sister. As it is I have been more or less without her for the last few months and I feel like part of me is missing. But how do I get over my hurt and my jealousy? Infertility has already taken so much; it can’t have my sister too.

**(Disclaimer, despite thinking about it, I am not crazy enough to actually steal my nieces, just wanted to point that out)**

February 5, 2008

And now we have a direction….

Filed under: prep for IVF #1 — by Jess @ 7:38 pm
Tags:

So, as I expected Jeff’s SA didn’t come back good at all. The RE said it is not worth trying IUIs because the motility and morphology are really crappy. So we are going to do IVF. I have to have a hysterosalpingogram, which I can’t schedule until my next cycle starts. Also I have to have CD 3 bloodwork done. I also have to schedule an IVF overview meeting, where Jeff and I get to learn about all things IVF. Once all of that has been done, I have to meet with the doc again to find out what my med protocol will be. Then I have to meet with the nurses to learn how to shoot myself up. Then I think we can actually start the whole process.

I am slightly discouraged about how long this will all take to even get to starting a cycle. It just seems like such a long time! At least we have a plan now. I am not sure how Jeff is dealing with all of this. He has always been the kind of person to just roll with the punches and take life as it come. I am always the one who overthinks everything. So here I am going over everything in my head while Jeff is in the other room watching a movie. Go figure. I just hope he is processing this latest info, however it is that he needs to do so.

***Update*** I just called and set up our IVF info overview for Feb 27. They had a session next week but there is no way I would be able to get it off of work.

February 4, 2008

A little bit about me…

Filed under: introductions — by Jess @ 10:12 pm
Tags:

I finally decided to jump in and start my own blog. I have been lurking on many blogs for months now and have decided to give it a go. I am hoping to have a place to explore my thoughts, fears, emotions and other mundane happenings in my life.

So to share a little bit about me, I am 24 years old and my husband Jeff and I have been married since Oct 14, 2006. We have been TTC since December of 2006. Jeff and I are just beginning the process of seeking treatments. We know that we have male factor infertility based on the SA Jeff’s PCP ordered. We also know that my cycles have been messed up since coming off of birth control, although they have begun to settle into a pattern of being about 35 days long. We have had one appointment with the RE and are going back for our second appt. tommorrow Feb 5. After tommorrow we hopefully will know what direction we are going in with treatments. I have lost all faith in timed intercourse at this point. I just want to move on to the next step, be that IUI or IVF. My doc has done another SA on Jeff and we’ll get the results tommorrow. I don’t expect it to be any better than the one the PCP ordered. I guess I’ll know more about it tommorrow….

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