Life with Baby K

February 9, 2008

A side effect of infertility

Filed under: family,infertility ripples — by Jess @ 4:03 am
Tags: ,

I fear that infertility is costing me my best friend and sister.

Let me explain. I met my sister when we were in 8th grade. Jenn and I quickly became glued to the hip. By the time we were sophomores in high school, she was spending more time at my house than her own. Jenn’s own home life was filled with all sorts of drama which made it difficult for her to live with her parents. During Christmas vacation of our senior year of high school she officially came to live with my family. She had long referred to my parents as Mom and Dad and my brother and I as her brother and sister. When my mom was pregnant for me, the doctors thought that she was having twins for a while. My parents had decided to name her twins Jessica and Jennifer if they were girls. Of course, it actually turned out that my mom was just large, but my mom says still to this day that it just took 17 years for my twin to find her way home. Jenn is as much my sister as my brother is and as much my parents’ child as my brother and I are. When I went away to college, Jenn continued to live at home with mom and dad. In fact Jenn and I moved into the basement apartment below my parents’ house were we both lived until we “grew up” and moved out on our own.

As long as I have known Jenn there has been one repeating pattern. She does everything faster and easier than me. In high school if we had a paper due, I would start on it a week in advance, stay up late, research, the whole nine yards. She would turn the computer on the night before it was due, stay up all night, turn the damn paper in right alongside of me, and she would inevitably get a better grade than me. This is a repeating pattern in my life. I love my sister to death and would never wish any harm to her, but damn it why does this pattern have to apply to fertility as well.

You see Jenn got pregnant in 2005(while on birth control of course) Nine months later, in June of 2006 she and her fiancé had my beautiful niece Nadia. By this point Jeff and I were engaged and were four months away from our wedding. In October of 2006, two days after my wedding, my sister found out she was pregnant again. In December or 2006 I came off birth control and we started TTC. During this time I was cool with my sister being pregnant, after all it would happen soon enough for me. I babysat Nadia every week, thinking in the back of my head that this was great practice for me since in a few months I would be the pregnant one. Well May of 2007 my second niece Sasha was born. By this point I knew in my heart something wasn’t right with Jeff and I. My cycles were off and I didn’t think it should be so hard, especially since I had seen my sister pop two kids out in 10 months (oh and BTW she has the fastest labors known to mankind. When she was having Sasha, her fiancé walked into the hospital room as the baby was coming out. All the poor man wanted to do was go to the bathroom!)

My mom and I babysit the two babies every Saturday and Sunday. They stay overnight at my moms on Saturday. Sunday morning we take the babies to church (sadly I have to work every other weekend day shift) and then we bring the babies back to my sisters apartment were my BIL is with his mother to watch the kids. I live for these weekends, especially the weekends when I am not working and therefore get to spend more time with the girls. But every Sunday when we have to bring them home, a little bit of me dies too, because I don’t think my sister fully appreciates what she has. She is a good mom, I am not saying that she’s not, but I can’t help but think deep down in my soul that I would be a better mom. Which I am sure makes me the worst sister ever.

My sister and I have kept nothing from each other since we were in middle school. And yet I feel like she and I haven’t had a real conversation in months. Sure we talk at holidays and family dinners and when she drops the babies off at moms, but we haven’t talked since probably before Thanksgiving. I have been trying to figure it out in my head for months now. She knows what Jeff and I have been going through, at least the story up until November or so. She knows that the first SA came back crappy. She knew we were waiting until December when we could officially say that we had been TTC for a year so the insurance company would pay for us to go to the RE. And yet she has said nothing about it. At first I was very angry and hurt by her. Yes I know she has two little babies and that they are a handful. But for crying out loud it’s not like I don’t have a lot on my plate too. And yes I am still hurt. I feel like she ought to pick up the phone and call me or email me, something to reach out to me. But then I started thinking why it was that I didn’t pick up the phone or email her. Chances are she has no idea how hurt, lonely and scared I am. Why do I expect her to read my mind? How do I know that she isn’t sitting in her apartment wondering why I don’t reach out to her? And yet even though I came to this conclusion almost two weeks ago, I still have not called or emailed her. Is it just pride??

No I don’t think so.

I realized today just how jealous of her I am. My sister has the two most beautiful babies and every weekend when I am with them, I ponder stealing them. After all, all my sister and BIL have to do it look at each other and *poof* she is pregnant. I am so jealous of my sister that I think I am afraid if I try to talk to her about life and what’s going on, that envy will seep out of my pores. My sister obviously owes me no apologies that her body and Tim’s sperm work. But I want what she has so badly.

I am scared that if I don’t do something soon, my relationship with my sister will become a causality of infertility. I don’t want her to become my friend who got away. She is my twin. I have no doubt about that. I can’t imagine my life without my sister. As it is I have been more or less without her for the last few months and I feel like part of me is missing. But how do I get over my hurt and my jealousy? Infertility has already taken so much; it can’t have my sister too.

**(Disclaimer, despite thinking about it, I am not crazy enough to actually steal my nieces, just wanted to point that out)**



  1. Perhaps she doesn’t know how to reach out? I had a friend like that…she had 3 kids of her own…but didn’t get that infertility was a very real illness that takes just as much out of you as any other ailment.

    Make one more move, lay it out there put the ball back in her court…but come back knowing you now did all that you could.

    Comment by Familyof2 — February 13, 2008 @ 11:55 pm |Reply

  2. My heart is breaking for you, yet I am so glad that you have reached out to communities that “understand” and can empathize and help you.

    Please call your sister. She loves you dearly and you love her too. Sometimes, after time lapses, it’s hard to reach out. Please stand up and fight for that relationship.

    While reading this blog, my mind kept wandering back to Aunt Kimmy and I. She so desperately wanted a baby and that was her primary focus…and I had one with such severe disability that was my focus. We both felt like victims of circumstance, yet we were able to talk and share the others pain too. That communication is the reason we stayed emotionally close all these years. We don’t see each other that often, but we have a connection noone could ever break.

    Please, be upfront. I’ll take the kids so the two of you can visit, go to lunch, or just sit in your house and chat. You two both need each other. Losing each other shouldn’t be an option and, as you know, again going back to your early upbringings, you’re likely going to need to be the one reaching out. Fight for your sister… you both deserve that.

    In my heart, I just know that it will all work out and before long, you will be having your own children and the two of you will be bringing all the little ones to the park together, to have pics done together, and to my house for me to babysit. 🙂

    I love you both so much and will support all of you, in any way possible. Keep the faith baby, and please always remember our family motto “We can do anything…as long as we do it together.”

    Love, Mom

    Comment by — February 18, 2008 @ 8:47 pm |Reply

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