Life with Baby K

May 12, 2008

I don’t want your nasty cake anyways!

Filed under: family,IF ignorance,IVF #1,Mother's Day — by Jess @ 2:00 am
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So Mother’s Day pretty much sucked. Big surprise, I know. I really thought I would be okay since I would be a work and would be busy. Yeah, I kinda forgot about visiting hours and the fact that mobs of children and families would be coming in to visit patients and celebrate Mother’s Day. Because I work on the psychiatry floor our visiting hours are much more limited that they are in the main hospital, since we have group sessions occurring throughout the day. Today visiting hours were 12:30-2:30. So my morning was okay. A few questions were asked of me by the patients which sort of stung, but I was able to brush it off figuring that the patient wasn’t in a good place and the like. So when the patient asked me if I was a mother while I was taking his blood pressure and I told him, only to my dog and cats, and he looked right at me and said that pets didn’t make me a mom, I could force my bitterness down and continue taking his vitals without shoving the thermometer down his throat. However, I had a harder time letting things roll off my shoulders once visiting hours started.

It was maybe half way through visiting hours and I was surviving. But then an obnoxious woman came to the nurses station and announced that she had a cake she brought in from home. Then she loudly said that it was a cake for mothers only. She was very insistent on the mothers only part. In fact she said it four or five times in the 60 seconds she was standing at the nurses station. She looked at me and asked me if I was a mother. I told her no and she flipped her hand as if she was dismissing me and said “oh well you can’t have any cake then, its for mothers only” and she preceded to walk away with her ugly ass cake. It really was ugly too. It was a round chocolate cake which looked to be overcooked and therefore was crunchy looking on the edges. I know all of this because the pink frosting was such a thin layer that you could clearly see the cake. I wouldn’t have had any of her cake even if I was a mom and therefore allowed to partake in the magical cake. But in that instance of standing at the nurses station, being dismissed by this woman, I felt like I was teleported back in time to middle school. I was an awkward kid in middle school, even somewhat in high school. I had about two friends at school (not counting my friends from church youth group, thank God for that youth group or I may never have had any social life in school) I can remember being in 7th grade when my “friends” suddenly decided that I couldn’t be friends with them anymore. I was told that I needed to find a new place to sit at lunch and suddenly had no one to talk to in classes, or work with for group projects. I was dismissed in middle school from my friends. And today I felt the same way. I felt like I was being told that I was not cool enough or special enough to hang out with the cool kids. I wanted to take that cake and shove it in her face! Stupid ignorant people.

Yeah so next year if I am not pregnant or holding my newborn in my arms, I am hiding under my blanket and watching movies all day. Screw the world I don’t care!

**I did however pull myself out of my funk long enough to go to my in laws and my mom’s to wish them all a happy mother’s day. I am really grateful for my mom especially this year. I don’t think I would make it through all of this without her. **

I forgot yesterday to write about our last SA. Jeff went down on Tuesday and did his thing and the nurse called me on Wednesday. Since my goal was to make his sample as bad as possible so the insurance company would cover ICSI, I made my poor husband go 5 days instead of the normal 2-3 days. Well wouldn’t you know that this was the best sample we have ever had. His morph was 5.5, his count was higher than before and his motility was awesome. Go freakin figure! So we are on for IVF but not ICSI. I think I am okay with this though because now I have two SA with higher morphs opposed to before when I had one higher and one lower and I had to guess which was the more accurate sample. So this is what we will do for now. Tonight was my second night of stims, it was much easier tonight than last night to mix all of the meds. So far I have not noticed any side effects, although it was hard to tell today if I was emotional and upset because of mothers day or because of the extra hormones. Probably a mix of the two. Oh and on a side note it is very amusing to look at my belly and see all of the little red puncture marks and the light purple bruises surrounding them. I feel like I am going to be able to play connect the dots on my belly when this is all done and over.

ETA: I just found this link on the IF community board I am a part of ( and thought I would share it all with you. It is a beautiful story and validates everything I have been feeling:

May 11, 2008

And then we stimmed!

Filed under: IF ignorance,IVF #1,Mother's Day,Nieces — by Jess @ 12:25 am
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Tonight I had my first stim injection. 225 units of Gonal F, one bottle of menopur and 5 units of lupron. I also started my antibiotic and baby aspirin today. I was a bit nervous about mixing all of the meds but it went fine. So I feel like we have pulled out the big guns today! I go back to the hospital on Tuesday for blood work to check my estrogen level.

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Yuck, I am not looking forward to it. I am glad that I have to work. When I get out of work we are going to my in laws for dinner and then to my mom’s house. It should be low key. Which is good.

Today I was at the park with my mom, brother and my two nieces. I was up on the jungle gym with Nadia and saw a friend of mine from church who was picking up her daughter who was also at the park. She yells over and asked me why I wasn’t at the baby shower today. Ugh. Today my church was having a big baby shower for my pastors wife. I just didn’t have it in me to go the it. In fact I had actually forgotten about it (forgotten or repressed….who knows) I was able to just use my nieces as an excuse, told her I had to watch them today. But really I just couldn’t do a baby shower at church with all sorts of people who know nothing about my IF issues, and deal with Mother’s Day, all in one weekend. So I chose to spend the day with my adorable baby nieces instead. Sounds like a much healthier option.

In other news, I am done with school for the summer! I am very excited about that. I am brain dead from this semester and in need of a break. I have enough on my plate this summer with IVF and such.

Well my husband just got home and I think I will go watch a movie with him. I hope everyone has a tolerant day tomorrow. Lots of love!

March 23, 2008

Bridal Shower and Being Outted at work…

So I have been on Spring Break this past week and I am sad to see it end. I go back to classes on Tuesday. Tuesday will be another ridiculously busy day. I have to be in Springfield at the RE for 9:40, which means we have to leave our house at 7:40, 8am at the latest. Oh and we have to take two cars because when we are done at the RE I have to drive to Pittsfield to the college for a class at 1:30. Then I have to go to work for 3-11 and I will get home around 11:30ish. Gross, what a long day.

On Tuesday we are signing all of the consents and learning what medications the RE is going to put me on. I need to make a phone call or an appointment to meet with the insurance woman to make sure that we are going to be able to get insurance approval for IVF. It shouldn’t be a problem because of Jeff’s SA being so poor. But it could get tricky since we haven’t done any IUIs. Anyways I just need to make sure it is all set.

I went to a bridal shower yesterday for a friend I grew up with. She was actually in my wedding a couple of years ago. Its strange to think that she is getting married. She is a few years younger than me. I actually first met her at our summer camp when I was a CIT (counselor in training) and she was one of my campers! Now she is getting ready to graduate from college and get married! Makes me feel old! Anyway, the shower was at our church and a bunch of the girls I grew up with in church ,who are either a few years older than me or a few years younger than me, were there. None of them know about my IF struggle. There was one friend of mine there who has a 18 month old girl and a belly that’s ready to pop, another girl with a 4 month old, and then someone else I didn’t know with a baby that was maybe a year old. That was hard enough.

But what really got to me was everyone teasing the bride to be. Talking about how many ribbons she broke opening gifts equaling how many babies she’ll have and how big her belly will be when she gets pregnant, her future mother in law was talking all about how she wants grandchildren. I remember being at my shower and hearing people saying things like that to me. I remember innocently thinking how much fun it would be to get pregnant and how it would happen whenever I decided I was ready. I wish there was an understanding among the general population that fertility is not a guarantee. It is not always as easy as just stopping your birth control. If 12.5% of the population suffers from infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, why on earth is there not better education and understanding of infertility. I know it goes back to the infertile world vs the fertile world but good Lord! No one would sit there and have such a lack of compassion for breast cancer victims. I guess it was just hard sitting there remembering how hopeful and innocently I went into our marriage regarding starting a family.

Oh and to add to it all, today at Easter Sunday service, the wife of someone I grew up with, someone who I happen to know went through IVF to get pregnant with her first baby (she also magically got pregnant on her own when her first baby was a few months old), asked me in front of many people when I was going to start having babies. I just gave my pat answer of “I don’t know, we’ll see” but I just wanted to say something smart assed like, “oh I don’t know I guess after the docs take my eggs out of my ovaries and put one of Jeff’s screwed up sperm into my egg and then a few days later put an embryo back into my uterus and we pray for two weeks that it sticks and then continue to pray for 9 months that nothing awful happens. I guess that will be when” but I guess I’ll just smile and give my pat answer yet again.

Oh and I got outed at work the other day. I think I have mentioned a nurse that I work with who has gone through IVF. However up until the other day she and I had never spoken about it. Well, staffing at the hospital was looking for someone to work a double shift and I was considering it. The charge nurse, who is aware of everything I am going through says to me, just make sure you don’t over do it, you have a lot of stuff going on with school and going back and forth to Springfield all the time, don’t take on too much right now. Well the other nurse picked right up on that and asked me why I was going to Springfield, was I going through infertility treatments. I must have looked like a deer in the headlights, I was so thrown off. I said yes and it actually turned out to be okay because we had a good conversation about it all. I just felt bad because the one man we have who works with us was sitting right there when this all went down. I wasn’t really ready for him to know about all of it but hey whats done is done. She must have heard me talking to our charge nurse at some point about our IF treatments because as soon as Springfield was mentioned she jumped in asking about IF. So while I was mildly horrified at first I am glad she knows and I now have someone in real life I can talk to!

I hope everyone is having a good Easter. I will check back in after Tuesday’s appointment.

March 12, 2008

Protected: Baby Crutches?!?

Filed under: family,IF ignorance — by Jess @ 6:40 am
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