Life with Baby K

September 4, 2010

Not what I expected…

Filed under: infertility ripples — by Jess @ 12:39 pm

When I was TTC Anna I thought that if I could just get my baby, life would be okay. Granted, I wasn’t naive enough to think that life would be a sunshine and butterflies and there would never be any troubles in my life again. But I did think that some of the jealousy and animosity I felt towards fertiles that get pregnant at the drop of a hat would go away. And I think it did at first.  But now, I find its coming back with vengeance.

Within the last two months I have heard of two college friends that are pregnant (one of which just go married in April and is due in February) two separate couples that Jeff and I grew up with have announced within the last week that they are pregnant with their second child (one whose first child is younger than Anna, the other is only 5 months older than Anna). Even within the blog world there are people who cycled right around the same time as me who are either now pregnant again or who are trying for number two.

I guess my frustration comes from knowing that I am not in a position to cycle right now. I have to finish my RN. There is no way around it. I have one year left and I just have to do it. I already deferred a year before I started the RN program because I was pregnant. There is certainly no way that I can cycle while in school. And I should really pass my NCLEX exam and find a job before I cycle again. But that seems like a lifetime from now.

School starts on Tuesday, hopefully that will help to distract me from all of these thoughts because I am not liking feeling this way again. I thought the animosity was behind me.

April 16, 2008

My puppy isn’t such a puppy anymore….

Filed under: Furbabies,infertility ripples,IVF #1 — by Jess @ 2:23 pm
Tags: , ,

So I should clarify something. While I refer to Daphne as a puppy, she is not. She is actually going to be 8 years old this summer. I brought her to the vet yesterday and found out that my Daphne has arthritis in her elbow on the leg that she was limping with. She is now on a pain med till Saturday and will be on joint supplements for the rest of her life. I think it may have been aggravated by the fact that Jeff and I got a new bed frame recently which is higher than our old one. I think it is just too much for her. Of course there is no way to stop her from jumping up there so hopefully the joint supplement will cushion her joints and make it easier for her. I am just glad that she is okay.

I got all of my meds yesterday! I am excited and anxious for Monday to come. I want to get things moving here. It looks like my period should start around 4/27 and they are estimating that ER and ET will be the week of May 14th. Which of course is the week of my friends wedding and my nieces birthday and my birthday! The IVF nurse suggested that I could push things back a week if I want so that I will definitely be free for that weekend. HA! I think another week of waiting to start would kill me. No thanks, I will gladly miss the wedding and/or Sasha’s birthday party if needed. It would be kinda cool to have one or the other land on my birthday!

Its funny to me how much the infertility has become a part of my daily life. Battling this disease isn’t even an option for me. Its a necessity. As I was explaining the shots to my sister she told me she hopes my kids will know how much I went through to get them someday. To me there was no choice about if we should do IVF or not. I guess its the way I grew up. My brother was diagnosed with pediatric bipolar when he was 7 years old. My family has always just approached struggles head on and just pull together and do what needs to be done. Same thing when my gram was paralyzed after a doc screwed up a surgery or when my uncle died 2 months after my gram’s surgery and my mom and uncle had to tell my gram that her oldest son was dead. We Rowlands just pick up the pieces, put them together as best as we can and push on through. That is the way I feel about IVF. Do I want to give myself shots? Not at all. But thats what has to happen so that the way it will be. I think my sister thinks I am a little crazy for going through all of this. LOL I guess that what happens when one sister is fertile myrtle and the other isn’t. But just as my sister will do anything for her two daughters, I feel the intense need to do whatever is needed to bring my children into the world. I know that I am suppose to be a mom. It is something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. So if I have to go through IVF or adoption to achieve that calling, so be it. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart. He would not have given me such a strong desire for motherhood if it wasn’t meant to be.

February 9, 2008

A side effect of infertility

Filed under: family,infertility ripples — by Jess @ 4:03 am
Tags: ,

I fear that infertility is costing me my best friend and sister.

Let me explain. I met my sister when we were in 8th grade. Jenn and I quickly became glued to the hip. By the time we were sophomores in high school, she was spending more time at my house than her own. Jenn’s own home life was filled with all sorts of drama which made it difficult for her to live with her parents. During Christmas vacation of our senior year of high school she officially came to live with my family. She had long referred to my parents as Mom and Dad and my brother and I as her brother and sister. When my mom was pregnant for me, the doctors thought that she was having twins for a while. My parents had decided to name her twins Jessica and Jennifer if they were girls. Of course, it actually turned out that my mom was just large, but my mom says still to this day that it just took 17 years for my twin to find her way home. Jenn is as much my sister as my brother is and as much my parents’ child as my brother and I are. When I went away to college, Jenn continued to live at home with mom and dad. In fact Jenn and I moved into the basement apartment below my parents’ house were we both lived until we “grew up” and moved out on our own.

As long as I have known Jenn there has been one repeating pattern. She does everything faster and easier than me. In high school if we had a paper due, I would start on it a week in advance, stay up late, research, the whole nine yards. She would turn the computer on the night before it was due, stay up all night, turn the damn paper in right alongside of me, and she would inevitably get a better grade than me. This is a repeating pattern in my life. I love my sister to death and would never wish any harm to her, but damn it why does this pattern have to apply to fertility as well.

You see Jenn got pregnant in 2005(while on birth control of course) Nine months later, in June of 2006 she and her fiancé had my beautiful niece Nadia. By this point Jeff and I were engaged and were four months away from our wedding. In October of 2006, two days after my wedding, my sister found out she was pregnant again. In December or 2006 I came off birth control and we started TTC. During this time I was cool with my sister being pregnant, after all it would happen soon enough for me. I babysat Nadia every week, thinking in the back of my head that this was great practice for me since in a few months I would be the pregnant one. Well May of 2007 my second niece Sasha was born. By this point I knew in my heart something wasn’t right with Jeff and I. My cycles were off and I didn’t think it should be so hard, especially since I had seen my sister pop two kids out in 10 months (oh and BTW she has the fastest labors known to mankind. When she was having Sasha, her fiancé walked into the hospital room as the baby was coming out. All the poor man wanted to do was go to the bathroom!)

My mom and I babysit the two babies every Saturday and Sunday. They stay overnight at my moms on Saturday. Sunday morning we take the babies to church (sadly I have to work every other weekend day shift) and then we bring the babies back to my sisters apartment were my BIL is with his mother to watch the kids. I live for these weekends, especially the weekends when I am not working and therefore get to spend more time with the girls. But every Sunday when we have to bring them home, a little bit of me dies too, because I don’t think my sister fully appreciates what she has. She is a good mom, I am not saying that she’s not, but I can’t help but think deep down in my soul that I would be a better mom. Which I am sure makes me the worst sister ever.

My sister and I have kept nothing from each other since we were in middle school. And yet I feel like she and I haven’t had a real conversation in months. Sure we talk at holidays and family dinners and when she drops the babies off at moms, but we haven’t talked since probably before Thanksgiving. I have been trying to figure it out in my head for months now. She knows what Jeff and I have been going through, at least the story up until November or so. She knows that the first SA came back crappy. She knew we were waiting until December when we could officially say that we had been TTC for a year so the insurance company would pay for us to go to the RE. And yet she has said nothing about it. At first I was very angry and hurt by her. Yes I know she has two little babies and that they are a handful. But for crying out loud it’s not like I don’t have a lot on my plate too. And yes I am still hurt. I feel like she ought to pick up the phone and call me or email me, something to reach out to me. But then I started thinking why it was that I didn’t pick up the phone or email her. Chances are she has no idea how hurt, lonely and scared I am. Why do I expect her to read my mind? How do I know that she isn’t sitting in her apartment wondering why I don’t reach out to her? And yet even though I came to this conclusion almost two weeks ago, I still have not called or emailed her. Is it just pride??

No I don’t think so.

I realized today just how jealous of her I am. My sister has the two most beautiful babies and every weekend when I am with them, I ponder stealing them. After all, all my sister and BIL have to do it look at each other and *poof* she is pregnant. I am so jealous of my sister that I think I am afraid if I try to talk to her about life and what’s going on, that envy will seep out of my pores. My sister obviously owes me no apologies that her body and Tim’s sperm work. But I want what she has so badly.

I am scared that if I don’t do something soon, my relationship with my sister will become a causality of infertility. I don’t want her to become my friend who got away. She is my twin. I have no doubt about that. I can’t imagine my life without my sister. As it is I have been more or less without her for the last few months and I feel like part of me is missing. But how do I get over my hurt and my jealousy? Infertility has already taken so much; it can’t have my sister too.

**(Disclaimer, despite thinking about it, I am not crazy enough to actually steal my nieces, just wanted to point that out)**

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